Word Play

  § I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  § Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  § Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.
  § The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
  § The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  § To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  § When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  § The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  § A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  § A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  § Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
  § We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
  § When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
  § The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  § The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  § If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory
  § A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  § What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
  § A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
  § Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  § A backward poet writes inverse.
  § In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
  § A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  § If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  § With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  § Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
  § When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  § The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  § A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
  § You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  § He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  § A calendar's days are numbered.
  § A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
  § A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  § He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  § A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  § Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  § When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  § When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
  § Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  § Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  § Acupuncture: a jab well done.

• OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
• BUTCHER'S WINDOW: Let me meat your needs
• CAR DEALERSHIP: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment
• MUFFLER SHOP: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
• NON-SMOKING AREA: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
• ON A FRONT DOOR: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
• HOTEL: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people
• VETERINARIANS WAITING ROOM: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
• MUSIC TEACHER'S DOOR: "Out Chopin"
• AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• COMPUTER STORE: "Out for a quick byte"
• RESTAURANT WINDOW: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
• BOWLING ALLEY: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
• MUSIC LIBRARY: Bach in a minuet
• LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
• LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
• NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
• HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
• SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
• NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
• MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
• ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)