Pun

These are allegedly genuine science exam answers
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you should.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.
Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.
The wind is like the air, only pushier.
“Scientists are hypothetical people,” wrote a student in chemistry.

The following student comments were gleaned from essays, examinations and classroom discussions. These beguiling theories are in no way
hypothetical. They are all real and attest to the high level of scientific literacy in our nation:
* All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.
* Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity.
* The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
* Galileo showed that the earth was round and not vice versa. He dropped his balls to prove gravity.
* Mare Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
* Men are mammals and women are femammals.
* Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.
* The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
* Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
* Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.
* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
* Water is melted steam.
* A monkey has a reprehensible tail.
* Some people say we condescended from the apes.
* The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body. Those who catch soars get leprosy.
* A cuckoo does not lay its own eggs.
* To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out and put the cork in, quick before the air can get back in.
* The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity and the abominable cavity.
* Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.
* The cause of dew is through the earth revolving on its own axis and perspiring freely.
* Hot lather comes from volcanoes, when it cools it turns into rocks.
* The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.
* Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
* Algebra was the wife of Euclid.
* A circle is a figure with o corners and only one side.
* A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.
* An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that
gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
* The hydra gets its food by descending upon its prey and pushing it into its mouth with its testicles.
* If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
* When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
* The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.
* As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.
* A major discovery was made by Mary Leaky, who found a circle of rocks that broke wind.
these are actual quotes taken from junior high students science tests….
[Curiously enough there was an overlap with the above lists]
* The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.
* A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance.
* Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS IN THE U.S.A.
(Who said the American education system is below par?)
[Curiously enough there was an overlap with the above lists]
Special Category: Charles Darwin
* Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
* Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
* The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
* To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
* Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
* A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
* We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
* English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
* By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
* If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
* Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
* Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
* A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
* A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
* A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
* When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
* It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
* Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
* For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
* For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
* Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
* When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
SCIENCE IN A NUTSHELL – 5th and 6th graders
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it through an aviator.
The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
The word “trousers” is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
From: “Hot”
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.
Gravity tells us why an apple doesn’t go to heaven.
A parallel straight line is one that, when produced to meet itself, does not meet.
To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out and put the cork in quick.
A vacuum is an empty space where the Pope lives.
Atomic weights are used for weighing atoms.
Ammonium chloride is also called silly maniac.
Water may be made hard by freezing and the hardness removed by boiling it.
If the air contains more than 100% carbolic acid, it is very injurious to health.
Water freezes at a higher temperature on the Fahrenheit scale than on the Centigrade.
At 180C, sulphur is vicious.
Oxygen can be prepared by heating potassium chocolate.
A theorem – derived from theos [a god] and res [a thing] – is a problem needing divine intelligence.
A magnetic force is a straight line, generally a curved one, which would tend to point to where the North Pole comes.
Lack of vitamins gives rise to crickets.
An alkali is a chemical substance without water in it, such as whisky.
Chalk and sand can always be separated by flirtation.
Saturated is a term used for gentlemen who are full up.
Gravity is a law holding things up, but nowadays we use elastic.
The liver is an infernal organ.
Algebra is the wife of Euclid.
A ruminating animal is one that chews its cubs.
Mass is when you buy a sack of potatoes and weight is when you carry it home.
A pence plus B pence equals expense.Volcanoes are ordinary mountains except they omit palaver frequently.

 

Show me the first president's dentures, and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.

A day without wordplay is a day without punshine.

 

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a  family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain;  they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself  to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do) one of them looked at his watch. Hey! We need to get back! No need to panic, said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. Well, of course, said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went  back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival  florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,  thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.